Thoughts from SCT

[Zarathustra]

There is but one fundamental question that all people must answer every single day of their existence. That question- Is my life worth living? Whether it be conscience or not, all of us answer this question daily. Conversely, everyday some of those among us consciencely conclude that their existence has cease to be worth the effort and choose for themselves an early exit. On some level one has to acknowledge their conviction, for there are surely those among us that loath their existence but lack the courage and conviction to seek the exit they so deseperately long for. There is no more fundamental question for us. It's answer is the foundation of all of our beliefs about the world and the root of all our convictions.

When I found out I was faced with recurrent cancer, I was forced to answer this question. Is my life worth suffering more chemotherapy? Is knowingly putting myself through pain for a "cure" that is still largely inconsistent worth the suffering? Is checking out now easier? I spent the better part of January pondering these questions. I fought with the weight of my own mortality. I tried to find the meaning in my existences, the truth in my situation. I cursed the gods and tried to rip the stars from the sky to spite the fates that had sent this pestilence down upon my body. Finally out of the storm a calm descended. Is this life of poison worth living? At first all I could see was horror. Side effects, pain, poison, death- this was my future. Surely this was not what life was suppose to be? Surely there was something more. As I felt the bitterness rising up from the pits of stomach I realized that the bile burning in my throat was a love of life. There were too many things I wanted too much to let my existence go gently. If cancer were going to take my life is was going to be from my bloody torn hands.

All of us that find ourselves in this predicament have to ask this question and once the question is answered there is but one way to proceed. It is a disservice to yourself to claim that you want life and then not to do everything in your power to achieve it. You are making your final moments a mockery of the very concepts you claimed to up hold if you do otherwise. The one purpose of my life is to live. Every thought, minute, breath is spent to reach this goal. What lengths would I travel to live again? I would trek to the very pits of Hell to regain my life and because I have chosen life, being willing to do anything less would make me a hypocrite.

Some people have told me as of late that I should complain more about my situation; that what I am experiencing most be worthy of some complaint. To some extent they are correct. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. As of late I feel like my guts are being ripped out and that a truck is hitting me on an hourly basis. BUT this is my choice, I've chosen to fight with all my worth for my chance. I have chosen this trial and thus can not complain about things that are self inflicted. We have no control over what happens to us in life but we have final control over how we react to it. There is no answer to the "why me's?" of having cancer, but there are answers to the "what now's". Once we take responsibility for our reactions we are free to live again...

[Bekah]

as always my love,

i'm in awe of you.

Love,
supermans numba one fan.

[chemocranky]

That is just WAY too philosophical for someone who has just been through the "fun" you have been through. You are truly an inspiration! I continue to think of you daily, and hope the truck stops running over you soon .

[Pigboy]

Well done, no bullshit, well thought out.
Bravo, you are inspiring others with you words.
May you crest this mountain and bask in it's glory.



damn that was good

[jess_march]

Being one of the people that suggested you complain... I can only say I stand corrected. You've very eloquently described your situation and the decisions you made to get here.

Godspeed.

Jessica

[LAULAUSMAMMA]

Darrell - thank you for sharing your heartful and life-saving decision with us all. You are an amazing young man. I am proud to call you my friend and send you more ((hugs)) and good thoughts that this experience will soon be a thing of the past and you can move on with your treasured life and back to your music and outdoor activities that you cherish so much.

[SarahSmile]

We have no control over what happens to us in life but we have final control over how we react to it.

Amen, brother! Here's to dignity and grace -- both of which you have aplenty!

Oh, and I remember all too well that feeling of having your "guts getting ripped out," as well as that hourly "truck-hitting" feeling! NOT easy....but blessedly temporary!

[PattyM]

I think you have given good advice to everyone--not just cancer patients...We all have a lot to learn from you...

I hope I can manage half your strength someday--

[Moondoggie22]

If you keep writing like that, more of us are going to be telling you to complain more, just so we can read more of these posts

Your excellent post is right in line with one of the things I hear from a lot of cancer patients. "I'm not brave. I'm not a fighter. It's not like I have a choice in all this." But every one of us does have a choice - we can either give up or we can keep fighting. A lot of us go through this major battle and still feel that they're not brave and strong for having done it, when that's exactly what they've become. And to fight the fight twice? When you not only know what's coming up, but also know it's probably going to be worse than last time? Relapsers should get medals.

Even though it often doesn't feel like it, there's always a choice. We've just decided to pick the tougher one: Life.

Keep those words flowing, my brotha!

[1speeder]

Hi Darrell,

As a 2-time relapser, I can identify with your thoughts, or at least, why people might contemplate such thoughts. Throughout life I've been fortunate to know great achievers who have survived some of the worst atrocities of history and great whiners who've achieved nothing and expect life to be an easy ride. We here in the U.S. have a different viewpoint of life than in other parts of the world, parts where life is considered a privilege, not a right. As a naturalist, I realize that life is hard, very hard, especially if you do not happen to be part of the homo sapien species. Life is a struggle to survive. Make the correct choices, through intelligence or pure luck (ala the Forrest Gump effect), and combine that with the will to survive, and we can make it through.

I've been fighting for survival since I was born 42 years ago. I'm used to pain and suffering. Pain has been my greatest teacher. I know a lot of people have no idea what that means. Typically, those are people who are not used to pain and suffering. Trust me when I say that, while being a 3-time cancer survivor has not been a walk in the park, it has not been the most difficult thing I've been through. It's just another opponent facing me in the opposite corner wanting to rip my head off. I'm used to that - so it's just another opponent. Another challenge. The more opponents you face in life, the less unique is the experience of facing opponents. What it boils down to is, perspective.

The other thing I wanted to mention was that I feel fortunate to be part of clinical trials. Even if I don't make it through, my data will still be beneficial to those people who follow after me. Clinical trials are important for the future of cancer therapies.